


Fake Smile

by ShadowedByDarkness



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Internal Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 06:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3839950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowedByDarkness/pseuds/ShadowedByDarkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren thinks he is a monster and he's tired of pretending that he's okay</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fake Smile

_I’m getting sick and tired of the smile that I fake every day._

If people call you a monster often enough you start to believe it yourself. If everyone around you has been put there because no matter their own personal feelings they will kill you without hesitation, you find it hard to fully trust those around you. Sure if you believe yourself a monster, which I do, it becomes like some sort of comfort. It becomes a comfort to know that if you lose control and pose a danger to those around you they will put a stop to it. No matter what it takes.

 

But it would be nice to have someone that can see through this illusion I’m creating. Someone that could see through the smile that I slap across my face, someone that can see through the cheerful tone that I force into my voice, and I thought I had found that person.

Apparently I was wrong. Apparently that person believed in my façade as much as everyone else did. Considering he has mastered hiding his true emotions as well as I have, it makes me laugh to think that he is so blind to someone else’s act. He manages to hide behind cold eyes and a stoic expression, whereas I hide behind a bright smile and sparkling green eyes. Even when his grey eyes meet my green ones he has no idea what I’m feeling. He is just so blind, I just want to scream that I’m right here, right in front of your eyes. And yet you accept my smile more readily than anyone. How can you not notice?

 

I can’t simply tell him about it either. I can’t just come out and say what I really feel, because then my threat level will increase. If the monster was upset he won’t be able to control himself. If the monster was hurting he might start attacking everyone. If the monster felt anything but happiness he would have to be put back in chains. I don’t want to go back in chains. I don’t want to be taken back underground. I love the sun, I love the light. It’s warm and bright and comforting, it reminds me of my mum. She was always so cheerful and if something was wrong she would always do her best to make it right. She would never turn her back on someone that needed her help, she would always be there, she would always be by their side until they were okay.

 

But she was ripped away from me. Just like my humanity.

 

There was nothing I could do about my mum. There was nothing I could do but look on as I was carried away. I just watched as the titan broke her back, snapped it like a twig, she just hung limp and lifeless, I watched as it lazily placed her in its slimy mouth and bit down. I couldn’t hear the crack and the crunch of her bones, I couldn’t see the glassy look of terror that would have been fixed in her eyes. I couldn’t see or hear any of that, and yet it still manages to haunt me. My mind makes up its own sounds; it pictures the look on her face even though I didn’t see it. Even though I had no idea of the way she really looked, my imagination is flooded with thousands of possibilities. Each one is more horrific than the last. No matter how hard I try the images won’t go away, they are always there, in the darkest corner. Sitting there, waiting for me to be alone, waiting for me to be selfish enough to try and fall asleep. Then they will spring forward and torture me until I wake up. Even then they linger, they stay with me until the light hits my face. They stay with me until the morning sun chases them away.

 

And now, thanks to good old dad I am one of those monsters. I am one of the monsters that killed my mum. I see it in the way that everyone looks at me. I can hear it in the way that they call my name, I can feel it in the way they act around me. When people treat you like a monster for long enough you start to believe it too. At first I simply ignored them, I argued that I was different. I was still human. I said it over and over again, but there were more of them and they were louder, and deep down I thought the same thing. I knew. Deep down I knew that I was a monster, I knew that they were right. I am a monster trapped in human skin.

 

Every now and then it rises to the surface whenever ordered too. They say jump and I ask how high? I’m just a beast in collar. I’m simply pulling on a smile, pulling on a human exterior. I’m pretending, I’m a fake. I am breaking apart from the inside and I’m barely able to hold it together on the outside. My smile is starting to crack. And yet still no one notices.

Not the other cadets, not my friends and not the man that spends every day with me, not the man that I still hold it together for. After all it is him. He is the reason I still plaster that same smile on my face. He told me once that he liked my smile. I simply laughed. I laughed harder than I had in a long while, I laughed till there were tears in my eyes, I laughed until my sides split, I laughed until I couldn’t laugh anymore. I couldn’t help it, the thought that someone liked my smile was hilarious. The fact that my fake mask looked so genuine that someone actually like it was completely comical. At the time he just brushed it off as my usual cheerfulness. Just like everyone else does.

 

Well it’s simple. I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep smiling anymore. I can’t keep pretending everything is okay, because it’s not okay. I am one of the monsters we are all fighting so hard to kill. I am one of the monsters that are killing our soldiers, my comrades, day after day.

 

I am sick and tired of that same smile that I fake everyday

**Author's Note:**

> Er yeah... I wasn't sure where this was going when I started it but this is how it ended up.  
> I hope you enjoyed(?) it and thanks for reading!


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